Cops Lazy?

By Mathew News Investigative Team

In another historic moment for professional underachievement, the Local Police Department is facing allegations of severe laziness, unnecessary inactivity, and chronic refusal to engage in anything resembling work.

Citizens describe officers as “unavailable, unreachable, and uninterested,” while one witness bluntly stated:

“I’ve seen sloths move faster — and with more purpose.”

Complaint #1: Officers Responding to Calls Only When Convenient (Never)

Multiple reports indicate officers routinely ignore radio calls unless:

• the call is food-related

• the call is within 15 feet of where they're already sitting

• the call includes the words “free,” “break,” or “donuts”

Emergency calls are triaged based on their personal “Do I Feel Like It” scale.

A leaked response chart shows:

• Shots fired: “Ehh, someone else will go.”

• Disturbance: “Sounds like a supervisor problem.”

• Parking violation: “Absolutely not.”

• Lunch special ends in 12 minutes: “CODE 3.”

Complaint #2: Excessive Sitting, Classified as a “Primary Duty”

Investigators discovered the average officer spends:

• 6 hours sitting in their cruiser

• 2 hours sitting in the station

• 1 hour sitting while pretending to write reports

• 30 minutes complaining

• 0 minutes actually writing reports

One officer was found “patrolling” a parking lot for four straight hours.
Turns out he was asleep but “monitoring his eyelids for suspicious activity.”

Complaint #3: Creative Avoidance of Real Work

Sources report officers have developed advanced techniques to avoid calls, including:

• claiming they’re “10-6” while sitting in the drive-thru

• pretending their radio battery died (battery was at 97%)

• announcing “Show me en route” but never specifying to where

• disappearing for two hours to “complete paperwork,” which, according to logs, was actually “scrolling TikTok in the bathroom”

One officer told investigators:

“If the call is serious, it’ll still be there in an hour.”

Complaint #4: Officers Patrol But Only Enough to Be Seen, Not Enough to Help

Citizens have noticed officers slowly circling the same block, not responding to anything but making sure everyone knows they’re there.

A study shows the average patrol route is: Station → Gas Station → Restaurant → Station

Police Department Statement

The department released an official comment:

“We are not lazy. We are conserving energy for when something important happens.”

When asked what counts as “important,” the spokesperson replied:

“We’ll let you know when it happens.”